Since most of you will be at home rather than at the pub…

SLÁINTE!

An Irish proverb quiz for St. Patrick’s Day.
Here are the first parts of five popular Irish sayings; you have to complete them.

1. The older the fiddle…
2. May your home always be too small to hold…
3. You’ll never plough a field by…
4. May misfortune follow you the rest of your life, and…
5. If you’re enough lucky to be Irish…

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Answers (don’t cheat):

(I only got one right – number 4)

Tearing my hair out. I dedicated today to doing my tax returns. I earn so little it annoys me anyway, but I (a) pay tax on my work pension so have to declare other earnings and (b) need the US foreigner tax exemption so have to be part of the system. I did, going by past experience, expect to spend the whole day. It looks as if tomorrow is spoken for, too.

1. Get messages from HMRC about tax self assessment being due.

2. After previous years, put off doing anything till the due date is looming.

3. Attempt to sign in using Government Gateway details (which have worked in the past) and find Government Gateway has closed but I can use the details to sign in to their new system.

4. But they want to verify it’s me.

5. So they send an email and I authenticate my email address.

6. They ask for my passport number. I don’t keep my passport in the lounge (who does?) so this involves a trip upstairs. Anyway, fill in the number as requested.

7. Now they want to send me an access code but do it using my old mobile phone number which no longer works. I changed my number early last year.

8. I can change my preferences and give them a new number – which means signing in again. Change preferences to include updated phone number. (And no, I can’t use the landline because they use an automated number which our Call Guardian won’t accept and I can’t white list their automated number because they won’t give it to me till I’m completely signed in.)

9. New mobile number accepted.

10. They send a code. This means going to the other end of the house. We get internet at one end of our long narrow old stone cottage and mobile coverage at the other. Not their fault, but still.

11. Back at the computer with code. Sign in.

12. At this point they tell me I’m signed into the wrong account but won’t explain.

13. Try things like clicking on continue, hoping to find a new form to fill in.

14. Just keeps going to a loop with ‘wrong account’ message.

15. Email them and they get back to me to say will deal with problem in the next two days.

16. Another email saying they’ve removed my security preferences. I think they mean the change of phone number but still, panic ensues.

17. In the process of trying to open these emails, my gmail crashes.

18. Try to reload gmail and Chrome crashes.

19. Try to reload Chrome and laptop crashes. Well, it could be coincidence but I wasn’t doing anything else…

20. All restarted. Try again with similar results including a new text code (back on my travels) and the same wrong account message. I simply don’t have another account.

21. Try phoning. Permanently engaged, except when they aren’t but aren’t answering.

22. Try their online help forum but you have to be logged into your account to access it.

23. Note that my attempts so far get me to a page which has all my details – full name, d.o.b., address, email, National Insurance number, passport number, etc. so they know exactly who I am…

24. Note that all their offers of help relate to help filling in the form. I only want access to the form which I can deal with quite happily if I can ever get it.

25. Reflect that most people only access this site once a year when their tax is due and it’s insane for them to keep changing the way things are done. Intend, if I ever get through to the phone helpline, to ask for a printed assessment form. Will let you know but it may be some time. Give up for today.

(For anyone who notices these things, yes, that’s the same frog/toad. He/she comes in handy.)

…my tastes in books, music, etc. yes. Daily events and feelings? Not so much. It takes me a while to be convinced anyone might be interested, and by the time I’ve decided they might, life has usually moved on. However, a group I’m active in on Dreamwidth gave an interesting prompt and for once I felt inspired. Feel free to grab the idea and run with it – either for your own life or for some kind of ongoing action in my story. (And yes, it’s all real, very real, too real.)

Prompt: Write Your Life! No, really! Write the opening segment of a TV show based on your life right now. It can be a comedy, a drama, a dramedy, reality TV, horror, whatever fits your circumstances. You can keep it drabble-sized, write a pitch for your show, or maybe do an arty title card. You can write yourself, an original character, or drop fandom characters into your life. However you approach this, the important thing is to have fun with it!

From Sunshine to Shadow.
(An ongoing soap opera.)

When the story begins the heroine has an idyllic lifestyle with two homes, one in UK and one in Portugal. Much of her treasured antique furniture is en route for the Portuguese house though some is still in storage. The UK house, now sparsely furnished but habitable, needs work before it can be sold.

A wildfire destroys the Portuguese house and most of her personal belongings including all her books, CDs, DVDs, inherited heirlooms and gifts received for birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries, etc. for her entire life. There is survivor guilt because she was not there and so many of her friends were. Some of them lost their houses, too.

The stored furniture returns and fills the UK house with extra ‘stuff’ which needs culling, and far too many boxes which can’t be unpacked because there is no access to anywhere to put the contents. A sideboard arrives and is filled, then other arrivals mean the sideboard is no longer accessible. The contents might just as well have gone up in smoke. The planned IKEA kitchen (and appliances) for Portugal now form a massive ‘island’ in the centre of the UK kitchen. (See the illustration…)

The heroine now feels like a rat in a maze – or in a scrapyard full of junk. (Just as weeds are flowers in the wrong place, junk is belongings in the wrong place…). There is no room to celebrate the holidays or anniversaries or entertain friends. Christmas dinner can’t easily be cooked because of the navigational hazards. She is considering a chicken with minimal trimmings. There is no space anywhere for a tree. Cards could theoretically be strung from the beams in the lounge but boxes prevent these being reached. She has come to the conclusion that any gifts or desires are just asking for future disaster and has deleted her wish list. Anything that might replace lost items is just seen as adding insult to injury; replacements create flashbacks, and besides, the items could turn up in the boxes. Who knows?

The scrap heap (or whatever you want to call it) has built up over the two years since the fire, as the heroine’s husband has gradually brought things ‘home’. The only silver lining is that the insurance company paid out in full. This underlines the truth of the saying that money can’t buy happiness.

Meanwhile, there is ongoing drama related to a possible poltergeist in the seventeenth century UK house. Suspicions have been around for years but recently, whatever is going on has expanded. Missing in action so far: a wooden letter opener, a charging cable for a Kindle (fortunately she has two), one of a favourite pair of earrings, two Christmas cards for relatives abroad (not yet addressed so nobody posted them) and, perhaps more worryingly, a very heavy sharp cooking knife. The vacuum cleaner hose was blocked by a small plastic dinosaur that nobody remembers ever having seen.

On another faintly paranormal note, the heroine has become aware that appointments with both her hairdresser and her dentist are always, but always, accompanied by appalling weather. No other appointments or arrangements are ever affected – the weather varies as it usually does in UK.

From the sublime to the more-than-ridiculous. Will she ever find out what’s in the boxes? Will she ever be able to use the kitchen safely again? Who (or what) has the knife? Can we predict the weather next Monday? Follow this slowly unfolding drama to find out.

You can probably learn a lot about someone from their tastes in books, art, music, films, etc.

My favourite author/book

I have to go with Lord of the Rings. I have read it multiple times and I still return to it. I wouldn’t say Tolkien is the best author I’ve read. (I don’t, for instance, enjoy the style of The Silmarillion.) But the book is fabulous. The films try hard and I enjoyed them but they pale in comparison. If I had to pick an author I’d probably choose Georgette Heyer – shades of Austen plus subtext with lots of humour as well.

The Book I’m reading.

Culpeper’s Herbal. It’s a re-read. I lost my copy in the Portuguese fire and have repurchased, this time a copy with modern updates/annotations. I’ve used the book for reference when writing my fae saga and I love all the ways it sends my mind down lots of untrodden pathways. I was interested to note that JKR in an interview said she had three copies. Other than that I’m reading this week’s New Statesman, and enjoying the short stories in the Rainbow Advent Calendar.

The book I wish I’d written

I think Stephen King’s Dark Tower Series. Whenever I read King I feel as if I’ve attended a writing master class, and I really liked the series plus the way it merged genres: adventure, romance, urban legends, quasi-sci fi, horror. Every word counts and the style, especially in the later volumes (he wrote it over a long period) is flawless.

The book I couldn’t finish.

I usually plough through to the end (with some skimming), especially if a book is popular, to see what the fuss is about. I tend to abandon badly written romance and crime. I think I’ll have to mention The Silmarillion – see my first answer! I got totally bogged down and bored. Same with Don Quixote and The Great Gatsby.

The book I’m ashamed I haven’t read

Not actually ashamed since it was a deliberate choice, but I haven’t read Ulysses. I’ve seen excerpts and that was enough. I definitely avoid anything that might be ‘stream of consciousness’ even though I gather it is currently fashionable again.

My favourite play

Torn between Midsummer Night’s Dream and Vivat Regina.

My favourite film

Torn again. The Third Man or The Fifth Element? If I had to pick for a Desert Island I’d have to toss a coin.

The box set I’m hooked on

Game of Thrones. I wasn’t able to watch it as it aired but I am up to date on the books. My copy of Season 8 (the final one) arrived this morning and I have so far been able to avoid spoilers – since the book series is not yet complete I have no idea who wins the game or whether winter simply draws play to a close. Why it took about six months for the DVDs to be available I have no idea.

My favourite TV series

Spiral, or Engrenages to give it its correct French title. Long running French cop show with all kinds of extra delights involving lawyers, French culture, and a look at modern policing issues. Before that, I might have said Spooks, for the same reasons. But I think I’m enjoying the French series more, partly because the actors, who are superb, are unfamiliar to me so I’m both hooked and fascinated.

My favourite piece of music

When I remember to vote in Classic FM’s annual lovefest, I always choose Bruch’s violin concerto. The first time I heard it I was on my way to work and stopped the car (and was late) in order to hear the end and then find out what it was.

The last movie that made me cry

Probably I, Daniel Blake.

The lyric I wish I’d written

More Like the Movies – Dr Hook

The poem/song that saved me

Not sure I ever needed saving… but I’ve always felt an affinity with Robert Frost’s short poem In Neglect:

They leave us so to the way we took,
As two in whom them were proved mistaken,
That we sit sometimes in the wayside nook,
With michievous, vagrant, seraphic look,
And try if we cannot feel forsaken.

He’s one of my favourite poets anyway.

The music that cheers me up.

It depends on my mood. If I really need to laugh, Flanders and Swan, or The Wurzels. Or Captain Beaky, though I lost my CD in Portugal and it’s no longer available. If I want to feel optimistic, perhaps any Chopin other than the Études which have some rather sombre pieces. His other work takes me to happy places – a visit to his house (now a gorgeous museum) in Poland, and learning to play some of the waltzes.

If I could own one painting, it would be

Hmm. I love all sorts of paintings in art galleries. Not so much in my own house which is ‘difficult’ with lots of oak beams and uneven nooks and crannies. Perhaps a fairy painting by Brian Froud or Amy Brown. It would have to be small if I was going to hang it anywhere. Other than those, I like the female pre-Raphaelites a lot.

The place I feel happiest.

My mood tends to depend on the company I’m in rather than the location. This is a hard question. Maybe in our garden in summer, especially at twilight, with that indigo sky, bats, and stars.

My guiltiest cultural pleasure

Buying too many e-books. I’m usually over-budget and nobody knows but me because they’re all hidden on my Kindle.

I’m having a fantasy dinner party. I’ll invite these artists and authors.

I only enjoy small dinner parties with people I already know and like so this is another hard one. And authors or artists whose work I like are not necessarily people I’d get on with or want to cook for. I’m going to go with people I do actually know: Fiona Glass (writer), Kat Soini (poet), Stevie Carroll (writer), Beth Richardson (artist), Bruce McGregor (actor). I think they’d get on well and the conversation would be stimulating.

…and I’ll put on this music

The Best of Queen, The Best of The Rolling Stones, and The Best of Sting.

The play/film that I’m looking forward to

I haven’t watched Peterloo yet but it’s on my Amazon Prime watchlist. Since I live on the outskirts of Manchester it’s something I’m really interested in.

The play/film I walked out of

I’ve never walked out of a theatre or cinema unless I’ve had to catch a last bus or train. I can switch off films on TV or my laptop and frequently do. The last one was Master and Commander. I was looking forward to it because I’d enjoyed some of the books, but I couldn’t be bothered with all the sea scenes.