I’ve been musing about the differences between novels and shorter fiction – novellas, short stories, ficlets, flashfic and drabbles (and all variations on these). I’ve played with all these kinds of writing and I’ve chosen to read all of them, too. But I think I have to say my real preference is for the novel, whether to read or to write. Taking Nanowrimo’s definition as a yardstick I’m talking about fiction that is over fifty thousand words long. This is an arbitrary measurement, dictated by print publishing, but it allows us to use a common description.

Characters can be allowed to develop at their own pace in a novel. This is satisfying for a reader who learns about a character slowly, with lots of twists and turns of plot and personality. It is also satisfying for the writer who can hold back secrets, allow for events to influence development and look at the reactions of a character to all kinds of happenings. The plot, too, can take time to unfold, and can contain sub-plots and underlying themes that could never be fully explored in a shorter work. This is even more true of a linked series of novels, where there is the pleasure of remembering past incidents and building up a whole detailed history.

As a writer I like to immerse myself in whatever I am writing. I emerge later – sometimes hours later – knowing I have been living in a different world which is every bit as real to me as the one where I need to shop or prepare a meal. My favourite books are the ones where I have been able to lose myself in the world the author has created and I would seriously like to provide that kind of alternate universe for my readers. For me, it never seems possible in a shorter story. It takes me time to enter wholly into a fictional universe and until that entry is complete the demands of everyday life tend to summon me back again. So usually, with someone else’s short fiction I can admire, but not love, and in my own, I am always to some extent an outsider telling a story, not submerged in the ‘dream’.

I read very quickly, which is probably a factor in my preferences. A short story is over almost before it has begun and certainly before I have had a chance to fall under its spell. As I always write what I want to read this means my own short works are over too quickly, as well. Of course, stories dictate their own length and some have only one strand, which will last for ten or twenty thousand words and no more. Any attempt to expand the idea will produce repetitious and turgid prose that an editor would rightly cut. This is, incidentally, just as true of longer stories and some huge novels could benefit by being pared down to a slimmer size.

I notice that Writing Magazine lays great emphasis on the short story. Maybe it’s because there are more possible outlets for the beginner to try with submissions; there are magazines galore and calls for entries for competitions and anthologies.  Maybe people feel they can write something short because it will, they think, take less time out of their busy lives. There is also a mistaken perception that short stories are somehow easier than the novel; their lack of length makes them less daunting and more likely to be achieved. One only has to look at ‘classical’ short stories to know this isn’t true, but the idea persists.

I have been made more than normally aware of all this by the amount of ‘advent’ fiction that has come my way this month. Various writers, some I call friends and some I know of and ‘follow’ have been treating their readers to short fiction, sometimes a piece a day, in the run up to Christmas. This is happening in the worlds of original fiction and fan fiction alike. Some of the offerings are very good indeed and it is lovely to have such ‘gifts’ online to open each day. But there is something unsatisfying about a diet of brief glimpses. I was looking at some of my own flashfics, wondering whether to work on one or two to offer here. But I couldn’t really get into any of them again, whereas I was doing a final proof reading of one of my novels and had to be very strict with myself to concentrate on punctuation and spelling and not get carried away by my own story!

I know I feel happy that my own work next year will focus on novel length works. Two (at least) for final editing and formatting, and one (at least) to write. I shall no doubt get happily lost in them, and it seems likely that things like mealtimes and necessary household tasks will suffer!

Some of you, I know, enjoy shorter fiction, and some of you write it for various reasons, including the perfectly good one that it can be an excellent way of breaking the dreaded writer’s block. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject.

At the beginning of October I had a severe laptop crash. Everything on my Compaq froze and so far as I know is still frozen. A family member who is an IT expert has taken the offending machine away but has not as yet had time to look at it. Meanwhile, a friend had recently refurbished my old Vaio so I am not actually divorced from the internet.

The good news was that I was able, in safe mode, to rescue all my documents, photographs, music, etc. to an external hard drive. I have been frantically backing up everything to other places just in case the hard drive fails….. But for the time being, all is well.

The bad news is twofold. The Vaio no longer works with a battery and has to be plugged into the mains which means that it isn’t exactly portable. However, I can cope with that for the time being. The software is the major problem. First of all, I am missing most of my software and only realise when I want to use it. At that point I have to use the admin user setting – something I’ve never had to deal with before but which was set up to give an option of more than one user on the machine. So far, I have resisted downloading any photo-editing software and have decided I can manage with online photo-editing sites. I enjoy tinkering with my pictures but I am not a serious graphic artist! I am also missing my bookmarks, which I hadn’t backed up recently… And I miss my beautifully configured Calibre library though I can re-establish it (if it can’t be rescued) once I know whether I can use the Compaq again or whether I should consider buying a new laptop – the Vaio will only ever be a back-up machine because of the battery issue.

My main gripe and the subject of this post: the refurbishment involved taking the Vaio back to factory settings and then installing programs again. For some reason – presumably with the best of intentions – our friend installed Word 10. I am now foaming at the mouth and cursing Microsoft. I was happily using the pre-2007 version of Word and had spent absolutely ages getting used to formatting. I had made copious notes and really thought I had a handle on it all. Word 10 is quite different. Apart from anything else I have to remember to save things in .doc instead of .doc.x or half my friends can’t read them and they aren’t suitable for various purposes., including transfer to my Compaq if that becomes an option. Then, I carefully removed all the auto formatting , changed the default font etc. and heaved a sigh of relief. But I am still having problems with line/paragraph spacing and in a final document all looks well until the text is converted into e-publishing formats whereupon spaces at the end of chapters turn into capital As with accents over them. Is Microsoft insane? I understand their desire to cater for business needs but templates should deal with that and leave the rest of us able to format easily for self-publishing purposes. And even for business documents, it must be irritating for those who keep their files on their Kindles to find strange As all over the place!

I downloaded OpenOffice – and yes, I know it’s less than optimal for self-publishing but I wanted something that would let me at least do posts like this with no problems – but the latest version seems to have copied Word and inserts far too many line spaces.

The trouble is, I don’t really want to spend hours on this, when it’s possible I might get my old system back… Everything is already taking longer than usual, which is why I have been somewhat absent this month.

Meanwhile – do any of you know of any formatting guides that help with Word 10? The Smashwords Guide is brilliant but doesn’t have much to offer beyond Word 20007. And what would anyone recommend if I get a new laptop – are there cheap copies of earlier Word versions available or should I try to adapt myself as soon as possible?

Today I was reading my copy of Writing, a magazine about writing and publishing I subscribe to. It’s a very UK-centred magazine which has quite a few useful articles and links. It has an online presence at https://www.writers-online.co.uk/ and is worth checking out even if you live elsewhere in the world.

Anyway, in one of the letters a subscriber who was generally in favour of fanfiction said they admitted it was ‘a lazy way to write’, saying that fan fic writers had the characters ready made for them and didn’t need to work hard to develop them.

I wanted to write back but I knew my thoughts would probably be too long for a letter to a magazine so I thought I’d explore them here. As you know, I read and write fanfiction – I sometimes jokingly call it my ‘other’ hobby – and I would take issue with the letter writer!

So the characters from films and TV shows (and from books, too) are ready made and therefore easy to write about? Would the letter writer say the same about historical figures? Characters such as Emperor Claudius, Napoleon, Henry VIII, the Borgia Popes, Jesus, are all ‘ready made’ in the same way but serious writers gain praise for their new explorations of these characters. It is perhaps harder, in some ways, to write something new and original about a character who has existed in history or on the screen. The fanfic writer (or the writer of tie-in novels for that matter) must be very observant and pay great attention to detail. The ‘voice’ of the character has to come across to readers who already have well-developed expectations and will pounce on errors. Dialogue needs to sound likely, and must not contain any errors e.g. Americanisms for Brit characters or vice versa. If the show is set in a particular era it is necessary to check small details such as finance (were Euros in use?), types of communication (computers? mobile phones?) and even things like the types of sweets or snacks available. Readers who are fans of the original will notice anachronisms.

The settings of TV shows and films are also ready made. This doesn’t mean the fanfic writer needn’t do any homework. The online information about the setting needs to be meticulously researched, and the good writer will look at all kinds of resources, not only the original screen works, to check that the backgrounds for their fics are acceptable. This involves just as much work as for an original novel, which might well be set in the author’s own home town and be less taxing. Besides, a new story about the same characters needs some new locations and these will also need research. I once ordered tourist publicity for a town in America to enable me to place my story accurately – I think the tourist board decided I was a likely visitor and ‘spammed’ me with invitations to book hotels or tours for ages. Wikipedia is my first stop, but its information needs to be independently checked; it isn’t always either correct or adequate.

There are also, of course, the minor characters who people the fics. Whilst many shows have a supporting or ensemble cast that can be utilised, there will always be a need for extras, for instance shopkeepers or villains, or simply new characters who form part of the plot, who will be invented by the writer but will need to fit seamlessly into the world the main characters already inhabit. This can be harder work than inventing a new group of characters from scratch.

For many excellent fanfic writers there is great pleasure in transposing characters from their original setting or period into another and asking how they would have behaved under very different circumstances. Some of the best stories I have read have put, for example, modern detectives (e.g. The Professionals) into Regency London, or a world of space ships or the film industry. The reader gets pleasure from the exploration of the essence of the character in what is known as an AU (alternative universe), whether it is fantasy, or merely historical or just different. In these cases the characters need close study that is far from lazy, and of course the alternative settings need research, too. There are also ‘crossovers’ where, for example, the heroes of a TV series (e.g. Supernatural) appear in a totally different setting such as Harry Potter’s Hogwarts, and have magic to contend with. Writers of crossovers have two sets of fans to satisfy!

Books can be harder to deal with in this way simply because the plot is often more thoroughly ‘closed’ at the end, though there are often minor characters whose stories have not been told to the complete satisfaction of readers, and of course the characters can also be placed in different settings. There are also series which allow for extra stories. Sometimes writers will ignore the ending of a novel; again, to take Harry Potter as an example, people write stories with the label EWE meaning Epilogue? What Epilogue? and take the characters beyond the book in all kinds of different directions, ignoring JKR’s vision of their later lives.

Of course there are fics written in a lazy fashion but then I have read many published original stories that are dull, derivative or otherwise badly written. The best fanfic avoids these problems; the worst is not much worse than the drivel some publishers offer. One reason for this is the instant feedback given to fanfic. If I write original fic and publish or self-publish it, I am unlikely to hear from readers for some time unless or until I gain fans on my website.  The day I post fanfic on an archive I get feedback, some of it detailed, and not necessarily always friendly. There is room for discussion and indeed heated debate. Most sensible fanfic writers use beta readers who will save them from really bad mistakes in characterisation, plot, etc. as well as from mechanical problems with spellings and typos. But even the best beta group can’t guarantee there will be no problems at all. This keeps fanfic writers on their toes.

Some fanfic writers ‘file off the serial numbers’ and publish their work as original fiction. It is usually impossible to tell when this has been done unless one has read the fanfic version. This suggests that fanfic has more in common with original fic than the letter writer thinks.

I strongly suspect the letter writer has only read or written fics that fall into what some of us call the ‘episode’ category, in which an episode of a TV show is rewritten from another point of view, or with extra scenes inserted. This type of fanfic, which fills in the gaps we all notice in our favourite shows, is only one kind of fanfic. Some of it – and only some – can be so closely based on the original as to give the impression  – and only the impression – of lazy writing. But there is plenty of fanfic out there that goes on to expand the original show or the original characters way beyond anything the producers intended. And even the ‘episode’ fic requires keen observation and a lot of imagination.

I write both fanfic and original fic. They are different in the sense that they are largely for different audiences and are posted or uploaded in different places, and in that only original work can hope for financial reward. They are also different in that they are in response to different stimuli. They both require hard work from the writer. The skills needed for both bleed into each other – work on plot, characterisation, locations, and language use.   I think, on balance, fanfic is slightly harder work if it is to satisfy its audience, because it is more difficult to write convincingly in someone else’s universe than in one’s own. It has certainly never struck me as in any way a ‘lazy’ activity.

I know some of you read fan fiction. What do you think?

Why Fantasy?

I have, from a very early age, found myself drawn to ‘genre’ fiction. Even within the ‘classics’ I prefer to find elements of fantasy or crime or at the very least, romance. For example, Midsummer Night’s Dream and The Tempest are my favourites of Shakespeare’s plays.

I like the way that this kind of fiction enables us to explore the human condition without any heavy preaching or moralising and lets us approach otherwise taboo subjects without placing them in recognisable places or communities. Genre fiction at its best shines a spotlight on issues like race, sex, class, insanity, bullying, religion, political power and other issues whilst superficially telling an exciting tale about alien planets, fantasy creatures, the solving of crime, the sweetness (or tragedy) of romance or the fascination of history. It is well placed to alter perceptions and change attitudes. As an adult I am unlikely to be swayed by it and hope that I have already opened my eyes to many of the messages contained in fiction, but as a teenager I found myself able to question many things I had been taught because the books I read posed questions. I found, and still find this valuable.

When I read what is sometimes known as mainstream fiction or even litfic, I often find myself admiring the execution but bored by the content. In fiction, I want excitement, stories that have me reading till late at night to find out what happens, or tales that set fire to my imagination. I do not particularly want to read about ordinary people living ordinary lives, however well described. In short, I require fiction to provide a kind of escapism, not from anything but to unknown worlds in my head. This applies to films as well as books.

There is a school of thought that tells writers to write what they know. Taken literally that advice would effectively rid the world of all speculative fiction and a great deal of crime/thriller fiction. It would also do away with books told from the point of view of animals, such as Watership Down, and would mean authors could only write about their own gender in stories set in their own home towns. So it cannot be taken literally, though I have known a friend given this advice very firmly on a recent writing course. (She was writing a crime story with a male hero.) However, it does help to be familiar with any genre – or location – before embarking on writing in it, and that means reading a great deal, and analysing what is read.

This is where reading genre fiction diverges sharply, for me, from reading mainstream fiction. Instead of being bored by the content I am enthralled, but instead of admiring the execution (almost a ‘given’ with mainstream fiction) I find myself being extremely critical and judging what I read by a host of criteria. I am far more likely to find a book completely wonderful or totally dire and I could go on at length on what I find good and bad in different genres.

So when I came to wanting to write myself, I naturally wanted to write in one of my favourite genres.

Sci-fi is out. I tried a couple of short stories and failed miserably. My science education was simply not good enough and whilst research can substitute for poor early learning the research would be huge and not particularly interesting, for me, in itself. To have to understand physics in order to write convincingly about space travel would not appeal to me. I can allow myself to write fanfic in sci-fi fandoms, utilising other people’s research to underpin stories with no intent to publish, to entertain myself and my friends. But original sci-fi: no.

Crime is a possibility but again, a lot of research is needed. Police and other agencies need to be presented convincingly and the research needed would again be vast and uninteresting. I have to admit that cop shows are another fanfic favourite, for writing as well as reading, and again I let the originals provide adequate background for procedural aspects.

The same thing applies to historical fiction. Although good writers can sometimes keep me reading and loving their work, I can only admire their meticulous research and could never emulate them. I read non-fiction history as well as fiction but I skip from era to era and never get sufficiently invested in any particular period to know it in depth.

I am not sufficiently interested in ordinary romance, set in modern times, to write it although I love Jane Austen and other romantic ‘classics’. I tend to get bored at quite an early point in the relationship and could not see myself with the enthusiasm to write a whole novel. I mostly dislike horror and am not usually too keen on supernatural beings such as vampires who interact with humans.

Fantasy is a different matter. I am wholly engaged in the fantasy worlds I read about, and in the ones that then spring to my own mind. I continue to live in the worlds I have read about and I want to share my worlds with other people. It is perhaps strange to say that the research needed never seems like work. Make no mistake, fantasy needs research. Names, physical characteristics of people, animals and plants, weather systems, planets, architectural styles – they all have to be written in such a way that readers will suspend disbelief and that means a lot of underlying work. It is no good having daffodils in a tropical jungle or winged animals that are too heavy to fly. Those are obvious errors but they exemplify the way the writer needs to build a fantasy world adequately and with credible detail. This is where I do write what I know. I use settings I know well, repopulate them with my own creations, tweak the flowers and animals, and make subtle alterations to the road systems and the houses. In a sense, whenever I am out and about, or travelling, I am observing and doing ‘field’ research.

Once I have a ‘world’, I can use it to tell a story that appeals to me. I enjoy romance and crime, and to some extent I tend to put both those into my stories. I have an elf detective, a fae family with assorted love dramas, a prince solving a mystery surrounding unicorns, and shorter tales that involve murder, theft, and betrayal. A constantly recurring theme in my writing is culture clash – between countries, between classes, between species, between the adherents of beliefs. It’s something I have researched and dealt with on a professional basis in my career and I suppose it is close to my heart – at any rate, I seem to write about it, even when I am ostensibly writing about elves or unicorns.

Within all speculative fiction there is the possibility of asking ‘what if?’  What would happen if societies did or did not behave in certain ways? Not just individuals, but nations, religions, whole swathes of people. How would these people react if something different was dropped into their midst? That possibility is what sparks my imagination and then the characters come along to show me how the answers would play out in individual lives.

Fantasy enables me to ask and answer questions about social issues. It also enables me to build worlds that fascinate me and people them with characters who interest me. It satisfies deep needs and at the same time is fun. This is true both for what I read and for what I write.

How do you feel about fantasy? Do you enjoy it? Does it make a difference to your opinions about anything? And how about genre fiction in general? What are your thoughts?

How do you choose names for your characters and your locations?

If you’re going to set your story in contemporary London (or any other city) half the problem (the geographical bit) is solved and then you can pick names from a telephone directory, mixing and matching so that Agnes Black and Colin Drake become Agnes Drake and Colin Black. As I’ve mentioned elsewhere you need to note the spelling of names because there are some that have various options (Stephen/Steven) and some that appear to have various options but are actually gender specific (Leslie/Lesley) and you are almost bound to get them wrong occasionally in your text; that’s the law of the great god Typo. Plus, it’s no good using a location like e.g. Chertsey if you don’t know it’s south of London and on the Thames. But generally, contemporary fiction doesn’t give rise to too many problems although you might want to check that your subconscious doesn’t come up with a name that in fact belongs to someone famous in fact or fiction (been there, done that and had to do a quick find/replace…).

If you have more exotic locations in mind you need to check the spellings and geography even more carefully but there are all sorts of helpful sites from Google Earth to Wikipedia to help you and there are lists of appropriate names (plus English transcriptions) for boys and girls in almost any language you might imagine and a few you didn’t know existed. Most of them give you the meanings as well.

Then there’s fantasy.

You need to take care that you haven’t stolen names from other fantasy writers who have no doubt burnt a lot of midnight oil coming up with new and interesting names. You need to make copious notes about the names you choose, giving them some sort of history, noting the preferred spelling, considering the pronunciation… But all that is after you’ve chosen the names in the first place. Although some fantasy writers use a few names that sound as if they’re from ‘our’ world, most of do a lot of inventing.

It’s important that invented names should sound likely and not stupid. Rumpelstiltskin might succeed in a fairy tale but not in the average heroic quest tale. It depends, of course, on the type of fantasy. Modern urban fantasies or tales of vampires or shape shifters can use ordinary contemporary names. Vampires can indeed be called Edward or Hal. But what about aliens or supernaturals? They are not going to have been saddled with John or Mary, however convenient you think it might be. Nor can you chicken out and say you’ll call them that because their ‘real’ names are so difficult to pronounce or because you’ve decided to use the terrestrial equivalent. Your readers have already decided to suspend disbelief and imagine they are listening comfortably to an alien language so why should pronunciation be difficult? Nor is it helpful (to you) to use long phrases like ‘Born Under The Winter Moon’ because they take too long to type and you are going to be typing them regularly.

You really do have to work at it. It’s possible to create really strange names like G’narrr or  m’Lln but you’ll have typo trouble, I can assure you, and you still have to take care that they don’t sound too unlikely given the rest of your characters and location names. (This is a warning, not a prohibition.) If you’re writing about terrestrial supernaturals e.g. fae, you can use the names of less common flora and fauna. If your plot takes you to other planets you can still do that but make sure the names are seriously uncommon or add a few lines linking the name to a plant or whatever on the alien world.

Another possibility is to take ordinary names and alter them slightly. Annie becomes Anee, Mark becomes Maark or Tarc, and Virginia turns into Lergynia. Keep notes! Be careful that your subtle alterations don’t catapult the name into a realm with other meanings. Annie cannot become Anneal or Aneal; Mark shouldn’t turn into Bark or Lark;  Virginia would sound dreadful as Laryngia.

If you choose to alter names that are regional here, make sure all your characters have names with similar origins so that you don’t end up with too much of a mixture, unless you intend to go into great detail as to how your world has come to have a melting pot of people from different cultures.  I read one fantasy series where people who sounded vaguely Scottish lived just across the border from (and spoke the same language as) those with names that conjured visions of the Middle East; there was no explanation and it all jarred.

The same thing applies to other-worldly places or just wildly fictional ones. If you’re setting things on Earth you need to take care with local languages and usage. I have cringed at stories set in places like e.g.‘Altonhambury’ or ‘Byburghthorpe’, combinations that sound (and are) unreal. I’m pretty sure non-native writers make similar errors in stories set in e.g. India or China. If in doubt, use the slight alteration method for places, too. Make certain you haven’t inadvertently included geographical markers in your place names. For example, a tor is a hill in Brit English so a town on a plain with a name containing ‘tor’ might be fine for your invented world but will throw your terrestrial readers. You can, of course, steal a name you like and place it in entirely foreign geographical surroundings but be careful – check its history and meaning first.

Check that you’ve used a variety of initials. If all your characters have names beginning with G the reader will get confused and annoyed. It’s such an easy error to fall into and yet if you keep notes it’s easy to avoid.

It goes without saying that your minor characters need names that are as well thought out as the major ones; that slaves should have quite different names from a master-race; that your characters should have surnames or clan names from the start, even if you end up never using them.

The more research you do the more real your characters will appear in the final text.

I use a variety of methods. My fae characters have a mixture of names, mostly drawn from natural objects like plants or animals, but sometimes borrowed from humans in a somewhat random fashion. My fantasy people have names that are reminiscent of Earth ones but are altered slightly. Even then, I came up with Brianna (or Briana) only to find the name exists here. It’s pretty, and it’s uncommon, so I left it, but someone is bound to complain. For stories set in solidly terrestrial cultures (even fairy tale ones) I’ve done research.

It’s no good sticking pins in an alphabet or letting the computer invent things. Naming needs thought. I’m reminded of Eliot’s poem (and the musical lyric): The naming of cats is a difficult matter; it isn’t just one of your holiday games. As for cats, so for characters…

How do you do it?

…that doesn’t work for me.

I’ll begin with the sites/challenges that are suppose to kick-start you into writing and then keep you going until the novel or whatever is finished. NaNoWriMo is the most famous but someone urged me to try April Fools when I found it hard to get going again after a hospital experience.

I have to say that April Fools did the trick and having ‘publicly’ committed myself to a goal, I couldn’t face not attempting it. You set your own wordcount for this one and I set 15000 words for April, the minimum needed for a fanfic challenge I’d signed up to. I made the 15000 in eight days, though the story told me it wanted over 20000 words to tell itself properly, thank you. So in a very real way, I’m grateful, both to April Fools and to the friend who sent me there.

However, I think that once actually started, I would have reached my goal faster if I hadn’t got sidetracked into talking to other writers and navigating an almost impenetrable site. I spend quite enough time chatting online as it is and this was a downside of April Fools. Some of the chat was interesting but probably displacement activity. Some of it was inane to say the least and made me wonder whether the people concerned really were writers; I suspect they were teenagers trying to spread their wings for the first time. I imagine NaNoWriMo is similar – I have watched online friends talking about it and have not been tempted to join in. I definitely need the kick-start element but could do without the rest of the package.

I have been hearing about a site called Write or Die, which apparently starts deleting your words if you don’t work hard enough. Another gives you kittens (fluffy pics) if you reach your goals.

These are not what I need. Does anyone know anything different?

Then there are friends who have been raving about various programs designed specifically for writers, sometimes by writers. Scrivener is highly praised. So is yWriter. But when I looked at them I couldn’t think how to use them. After learning all about their multiple components the writer is encouraged to amass vast quantities of notes, and create storyboards, etc. and write all sorts of snippets that can eventually be sewn together into a patchwork quilt/whole work. It sounds to me as if the amount of time spent would be better spent writing.

I don’t work that way. I know writers who do and these programs would no doubt be wonderful for them. I write in a sequence that will eventually, with amendments, be the finished work. I think and write from A to Z and whilst scenes from the middle of a work might swirl in my brain I never commit them to keyboard, even in note form, before their proper time. I have a page of notes to which I add when research dictates, and to which I can refer. I use RoughDraft because I can have all my notes, chapters, etc. open as tabs for swift reference, there is a notepad for temporary needs down the  right hand side of each page, and the spell checker doesn’t try to be nannyish about grammar. I can’t see any reason to change but…

There is a drawback to RoughDraft. It produces documents in .rtf format and my betas seem to prefer Word. So I convert everything and then their comments and typo-finds come back in Word and I convert again. By the time we’ve finished there are glitches galore, caused by the constant re-formatting. Highlighting causes a particular problem but so to some extent does spacing.

Any suggestions?

I hate Word. I hate the way it tries to force writing into its own modes, shoves bullet points and suchlike down my throat, attempts to Americanise dates, and gets in a state about margins etc. I hate the way it’s snarky about grammar when it obviously hasn’t a clue that writers learn the rules and then know when they can ignore them. I’m perfectly aware when I use ‘fractions’ of sentences. I do it for effect. And the Word grammar checker is sometimes really, really wrong. However, Word does spot one of my biggest failings, extra spaces between words. But if they’re at the ends of lines, by the time all the conversions have happened, the spaces creep back.

I tried OpenOffice and prefer it to Word but very few people seem to have it or like it. My main use for it is to download things I want from the internet, such as fanfiction, then converting them to .pdf ready for conversion via Calibre, for my Kindle.

I’m clearly not the kind of writer envisaged by the wordcount challenges or the writing programs. I just don’t function the way they expect.
And yet I still need a helping hand from time to time… or a kick!

My fanfic challenge is now finished – or at least ready for beta – at 28,696 words written over 14 days. Now I need to get on with either some original fic rewrites or some more research into self publishing.

First, a brief apology for the long gap between posts. Some of you know I’ve been in hospital. I’m on the road to recovery and had this post in reserve for an occasion when I wasn’t up to writing anything long. Enjoy!

THE ADDLEBRAINED DICTIONARY  compiled by Jay Mountney

It has often been noted that people using the internet make many typos. More, it is thought, than typists using typewriters. The reasons for this are many and varied but it is also known that some of the typos are made frequently by a lot of people and have become accepted words in their own right. Others have quirky and fascinating meanings which the keyboard users didn’t quite intend. Some have been collected here, with their new meanings. Notice that some of the words appear to be normal dictionary fodder, but are used in strange and beautiful ways, quite unconnected with their original meanings. In some cases examples are given of the usage of words where this is thought necessary or appropriate. There are, to date, no entries for U, X and Z. It is possible that words beginning with X and Z are sufficiently rare to cause the writer to pause and think. The lack of a list for U is inexplicable. There was, it must be admitted, a dearth of entries for M, even more inexplicable than for U; but during the compilation of this list three turned up, or sneaked in… The author/compiler has a deeply held belief that words have a life of their own.

Note that the words in this dictionary have almost all been genuinely used in the ways outlined below online or in writing by the compiler, friends, colleagues and writers (or students) whose work the compiler has been reading: e.g. the first word appeared in a story the compiler was reading and was quite clearly meant to be read as ‘absentia’. One word has merely been heard. Another appears in stone. The compiler takes no responsibility for the truth of the definitions but suggests the reader searches his/her heart to reach a rational conclusion. The compiler goes through life reading meanings that are not there into things that are. For example, notices warning ‘heavy plant crossing’ invariably suggest Triffids and there is always a faint worry on behalf of an ‘alarmed door’. So typos lead down delightful primrose paths into a maze of confusion. Anyone is welcome to join in!

A

abscentia… this is the form to use if someone is being judged ‘in absentia’ and their absence really stinks of foul play or evil intent.

adaptions…adaptations that are carried out very quickly wiht little or no attention to detail.

adn…a form of ‘and’ used when the speaker/writer is at their wits’ end. “I have a lot to do: wash the dishes, cook the tea, make the beds and feed the cat. Adn then the phone rings.”

annoyued… a cross between annoyed and fatigued, used when the speaker/writer is ‘fed up to the back teeth’ with something. “I am annoyued with that cat; it keeps scratching the sofa even though I have bought it a variety of scratching posts.”

anopther… literally ‘another’ but said between pursed lips as in: “You mean there’s anopther set of papers for me to deal with? I thought it was home time!”

B

badk… extremely bad; possibly even ‘f..king’ bad. “That is a really badk cat. It has eaten my dinner.”

bedf… the kind of bed you sink into with an ‘umph’ of relief after a really hard day. “I’m so tired; I really need my bedf!

bear insurance… presumably intended to refer to basic insurance (e.g. the legal minimum requirement for cars). It probably insures the driver against basic predations by bears, or perhaps insures teddy bears for long distance travel.

bereak… a break that seems to happen in slow motion. “I knew the plate was going to bereak when it hit the floor; I tried to catch it but I was too slow.”

Boogoe Babies… a variant of a toddler group music and dance activity more often called Boogie Babies. The Boogoe’ form is used by grandparents who are desperate for their offspring to take their toddlers away to annoyue someone else. (see ‘annoyue’)”My daughter is taking my grandson to Boogoe Babies this afternoon; such a great idea and so good for him!”

bootle… a very long thin bottle. Nothing to do with the UK place of the same name.

BVSH HOVSE… this is shown in block capitals herebecause it is the way the name appears, carved in stone, above the BBC centre, Bush House. It would be kind to suggest it is easier to carve a V than a U but the presence of a perfectly executed O and two examples of S suggest this is not the case. Possibly an attempt to look very erudite and somehow ‘Latin’ but as it is not Latin it just succeeds in confusing the reader. May be connected with unpronounceable and frequently misunderstood regional accents within Britian.

C

cacoon… this is like the cocoon of a moth or butterfly but is constructed from sheets, blankets and any clothes that happened to be lying around. It surrounds a child who does not want to wake up. Especially if they are late for school.

calanders… calendars somehow crossed with cullenders so that the days and dates slip through the holes, leaving the user bewildered about where the time has gone. Possibly connected with vague recollections of the town of Callander in Scotland.

catchin (catchin up)… the shortened spelling is used with the preposition to imply speed in the attempt to catch up – there is no time for a ‘g’.

celebrat… this is what the average teenager does at a birthday party.

childlren… very slippery childlren e.g. in a soapy bathtub

Christams… the origin of this is obscure but may have some connection with Australian Christmas biscuits.

cirriculum… the part of the curriculum concerned with cirrus clouds.

cofotable… applied to a state of comfort reached by curling up as small as possible in a cosy armchair.

commentns… a lot of comments, usually made online by posts or replies, where people are all aware that others in the group are nodding agreement as they read.

compiation… a very brief compilation of only two or three items, often brought together as a kind of apology or expiation.

consolide… employers sometimes attempt to consolide jobs or work structures by packing staff and tasks so densely that the original aims cannot be met in the resulting crush and collision. They should, of course, consolidate instead.

crokscrew … a very curly corkscrew which doesn’t quite work. The compiler’s family bought one recently and it was too short for most real corks though it might have worked with plastic ones.

D

dicionary… a short dictionary that lacks a lot of the elements usually found in normal dictionaries. In other words, a dicionary like this one.

dleighted… A slightly posh, slightly effete, Brit expression. “Dleighted to meet you; how’d’ye do?”

doctro/docotr… a doctor in a hurry who is so anxious to see the next patient that he/she ignores the last few words of the one currently in the surgery.

dowqnloaded… sometimes there is a bug in the computer and a download fails or partially fails. This is known as dowqnloading. The ‘q’ is silent.

draging… dragging really slowly and causing anger/rage in the process.

dwon… it means down but is used when downward movement is somewhat erratic as when someone falls dwonstairs.

E

exceptipons… used for exceptions that are day/date related. “Parking costs £1 per hour or part thereof on most days. The exceptipons are Bank Holidays and some saint’s days.”

extremelt… extremely hot and runny. “The pudding had an extremelt chocolate sauce.”

F

feeback… Writers hope for feeback on their work, feeback that will lead to more sales, e.g. good reviews. Some writers actually pay reviewers and this practice is known as double feeback.

firdge… a fridge with a lot of sludge and mould in those little hard-to-clean places at the back.

flat… in UK this can mean horizontal and/or even but can also mean an apartment. Foreigners have been known (to the compiler) to search the ‘flat racing results’ in the newspapers for accommodation, with little success and great discouragement. Natives find it hard to explain through their uncontrollable laughter.

fo … a variant of ‘of’ used with the word ‘course’ as in ‘fo course’. This is usually said in a way that implies the speaker has slight contempt for the audience. “Fo course it is!! You should know that, Stoopid!!”

fond…. means found when used with something the writer or speaker is actually fond of and has found or rediscovered. “I fond the teddy bear under the bed!” or “I fond another typo.”

fould… foul with extra wrinkles. “The bulldog was in a fould temper.”

frim… a lightweight firm that produces trashy items or provides trivial services.

frineds… fine friends, as opposed to fiends, who are the kind of friends in the saying, ‘With fiends like these, who needs enemies?”

G

gald… glad – so gald you are in a whirl.

gogeous… a variant of ‘gorgeous’, when the speaker or writer is taking a deep breath on account of the extreme ‘gogeousness’ of the person or thing observed.

gril… a girl, the sort who asks a lot of questions.

H

heersefl… herself, at leisure, stretched out, perhaps beside a pool. “She went to the spa to pamper heersefl in the jacuzzi.”

hooping… hoping but displaying extreme anxiety with alternating hope and despair.

I

i… a lower case version of the personal pronoun. Used when the writer/speaker has low self esteem, either in general or in this particular instance. In extreme cases the pronoun disappears. “We went to IKEA but i couldn’t find anything i liked and we wasted a whole afternoon because couldn’t make my mind up.”

icob… a variant of icon, used in the context of screen icons for social networking sites. The makers of these icons sometimes get frustrated and wish they could ‘cob’ (Brit slang) or throw away the one they are working on. Hence ‘icob’.

indivbidual… used for individual portions of very special desserts.

ineficient… so inefficient that the person in question can’t even spell.

interrupt… sometimes incorrectly used in place of ‘interpret’, leading to confusion that no interpreting will put right. “He interrupted her actions to mean she was happy with the arrangements.”

intyernet… someone else’s internet. “Your intyernet skills are lacking.”

ititnerary…. a pornographic journey plan

J

juat…. used in place of ‘just’ to express surprise. “Juat a moment!! What’s going on?”

K

kitcehn… this is the kind of kitchen found in a flat sought by a foreign (or dyslexic) student. It is usually small, poky, and fitted with second-hand appliances of dubious safety. The compiler has known foreign students attempt to amend the spelling to something that to them seems more likely and was once informed that a student was now the proud owner/tenant of two rooms and a chicken.

L

lackedf… used when the thing that was lacking was f…ing essential

lastest… this appears in two wholly different contexts. It is an extreme form of ‘last’, as in: “She bought the very lastest one in the shop,” and is also occasionally preferred to the past tense of ‘to last’ as in: “Old fashioned washing machines lastest and lastest and lastest, not like modern ones that wear out in a couple of years.”

leasst… an extreme form of ‘least’.

legivtivacy… this has so far never been spotted in print (or online) but has been heard in a TV interview with a politician whose first language was not English. Assumed to mean ‘legitimacy’.

liips… lips that have been enhanced with botox injections.

lunnch… a long, lingering lunch, of the kind once enjoyed by bankers but now more usually the preserve of retired ‘ladies who lunnch’.

M

mew… as in ‘here are some mew typos’. Contrary to popular belief this has nothing to do with cats. The ‘mews’ in question are the stables or falconry buildings connected with aristocratic property and nowadays converted into new (or mew) bijou residences for aristocratic descendants who can’t afford servants (or falcons) but can afford, and want, a nice city pad.

moeny…so little money that someone feels forced to complain about it; usually connected with low wages or high prices.

mopes… a contraction of ‘my hopes’, usually rather vain hopes . It’s the unlikelihood of these mopes ever being realised which makes the writer miserable.

N

nieghbours.. very close neighbours, the sort you can hear through the party wall when they are shouting at the TV or each other. An alternative spelling is niegghbours, used when most of what you can hear is giggles. (Or, just possibly, a print rendering of Australian/Cockney neighbours.)

npw… a variant of ‘now’, spoken or written in a peremptory fashion with a hint of capital letters and pursed lips.

O

occassion… a very special occasion with a lot of sparkling wine and/or champagne.

P

paaassing… sometimes time paaasses so slowly that the only way to describe it is to add a few ‘a’s.

perforted… perforated with very small pinpricks.

phschological… first seen in the sentence:As a phschological study it was a disaster. Clearly the word has much in common with ‘scatalogical’ and saying it aloud suggests s..t hitting fans.

plain… occasionally seen in phrases such as ‘a higher plain of existence’ which immediately suggests high Russian steppes or the highlands of Central Africa.

possilbe… possible but improbable.

priacy… the privacy of pirates who prefer to do their darker deeds out of the public eye.

proative… creatively proactive.

psh… posh but very small. “I bought a very psh handbag last week; it doesn’t have room for my glasses.” For American readers, a handbag is a purse. Brit readers – don’t go there – you would never put glasses in a Brit purse and I have no idea what a Brit purse is in American.

Q

quicklcky…very fast and rather jerky.

quitely… quite quietly.

R

ray… a tray. This is connected with the children’s song Twinkle. twinkle, little star. In a playground version the star is said to be shining like a tea-tray, presumably a metal one. Seen recently in the sentence ‘I need a perforted baking ray for my halogen cooker’ . (see ‘perforted’.)

remebering… remembering in a rather fuzzy fashion.

reside… used instead of ‘preside’ in the phrase ‘reside over the proceedings’ where the proceedings are presumably to take place where the person who will preside lives/resides.

restrauant… a restaurant frequented by young people playing truant from school or college, or by adults playing truant from their jobs.

roat… used instead of ‘roast’ when the ingredients remain inexplicably raw. “We had roat parsnips with our Christams dinner but the turkey was well cooked. (see ‘Christams’.)

role.. sometimes confused with ‘roll’. Examples: “He’s on a role and he’s acting like an idiot” and “There is very little foil left on the role – a small piece will have to act the part of a big one.”

royalities…this is the word that authors use when the mismatch beween the royalties they had expected and the reality becomes apparent.

S

Sanatas… musical Santas who sing Jingle Bells instead of saying, ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’

scenary…rather watery scenery.

si-fi… a form of sci-fi in which the underlying science is incorrect or plain silly.

somehwere… a variant of ‘somewhere’ used in circumstances such as: ‘I know I had it somehwere

but I can’t find it!’ and possibly in ideas such as: ‘Somehwere over the rainbow.’

sontacted… contacted by a method involving sound, especially Skype.

stream… occasionally used in place of ‘steam’ as in: I usually stream the vegetables but today I roated them. (See ‘roat’.) N.B. still connected with moisture.

swtiched… when young girls were expected to sew samplers and spent most of the time pricking their fingers with the needles, it was said that they ‘swtiched’ industriously.

T

tact… sometimes used in the phrase ‘in tact’ as in: He checked the injured man to see if everything was in tact.’ This use denotes extreme (and possibly unnecessary) tact on the part of the person doing the checking.

teh… a common variant of ‘the’. Prolonged internet usage will probably add this form to the major dictionaries.

thank… may be used in place of ‘think’ as in: ‘I thank that’s normal’. Probably denotes thankfulness on the part of the speaker or writer for the truth/normality of their thought.

thrid… a variant of ‘third’. Tends to give the mental impression of a grid, a graph or perhaps a pie chart. May also be used by employers who want to reduce their workforce by a ‘thrid’.

too… a variant of ‘to’ as in: I wonder what they are up too. Suggests a longing to know.

tpape… older people, familiar with cassette and video recorders, will recognise this as a type of tape, one previously used for recording but now unwanted and available for re-use.

Tudsday… an extra day of the week, coming between Tuesday and Wednesday . Experienced by people who don’t know what day of the week it is; it is probably Tudsday.

U

V

vein… a variant of ‘vain’ e.g. His mopes were in vein. (See ‘mopes’.) If this is used observers should be aware that the speaker/writer/character may be suicidal.

viewibgs… a variant of ‘viewings’ used when the person who has to view e.g. a new apartment, has a bad cold and doesn’t want to miss the appointment and of course doesn’t care about infecting the agent who is showing them round. It could, of course, be the agent who has the cold and a desperate desire not to miss commission.

vistim… a distant victim, such as the victim of internet scams.

W

Wander… sometimes used as a variant of the name ‘Wanda’; this spelling implies that the bearer of the name is somewhat flighty.

waht…a variant of ‘what’, only used in a question, usually with an implication of disbelief. “Waht did you say?” Always emphasised or printed in italics.

workds/worrkds…wicked words. The alternative spelling with a double ‘r’ is the Scots variation.

wrold… the world, meaning the planet itself, which is, of course, very old.

wya… the way, but maybe not the most direct way. “I’ll show you the wya home but I hope you don’t mind if we just go to A,B and C first.”

X

Y

yoursefl… yourself when you are in a flat spin.

Z

Have you any to add? Have you any further definitions? I’d love to hear from you!